


How to court a scholar

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Fili isn't very good at talking to people, Fluff, Humor, M/M, bad singing, courting, scholar aren't normal people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-26
Updated: 2013-01-26
Packaged: 2017-11-27 00:20:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/655965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ori isn't sure why Fili keeps asking him how one should go about seducing a scholar, but he really wish it would stop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to court a scholar

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alckalin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alckalin/gifts).



Ori was a scholar. As such, he was use to quiet environments, books, and the company of people who thought that the best of companies was no one at all. Though to be honest, he rather liked this little adventure he had joined. The other were loud, but interesting, and they usually left him alone to do his things. Sometimes their burglar and Balin would join him, and they would talk about books and stories and talk a bit of sindarin together, but that was the exception more than a rule, and Ori was perfectly happy like that.

Then one day, as they had just left the Shire, Fili brought his pony next to Ori's, and that was the end of the poor dwarf's peace.

“So, Ori. Nice day, eh?” the blonde prince said, rather awkwardly. “I mean. Sun is shining and all. You've got to love a day like this, eh?”

“I suppose,” answered the young scholar, whose idea of a nice day involved not seeing the sun at all because you were in the middle of a very good book.

“Hey, so, tell me, why did you join the quest? I mean, not that I'm not happy you're here, I'm sure you're a young dwarf full of resources, but you're not really the type for... well, this. You know. Adventuring, risking your life... how did you get here?”

“My brothers were going, and I thought it was worth a try. There's no greater accomplishment I can think of than to tell the glorious tale of heroic deeds.”

Fili laughed, then stopped when he noticed Ori's expression.

“Oh. That was serious. Hm. That's a nice ambition, it really is. I. Suppose?”

“Do you actually have a _reason_ to talk to me, or did you just want to bother me?”

“I had a reason, yes. Say, imagine for a moment that, back at home, I have a dwarf I like very much.”

“Which _isn't_ the case,” Ori mentioned.

“ _Maybe_ , but let's use our imagination here for a minute and pretend that such a someone exists. And that they are, say, the sort of dwarf who enjoys books over metal and precious stones.”

“You mean someone like me.”

There was a small smile on the young scholar's lips as he wondered what the prince was getting at.

“Someone like you, yes,” Fili said. “And because they are someone like you, I suppose you would be the best to tell me how to go and seduce such a person, right? Like, do you people have... special codes of some sort to show you want to mate or something?”

“ _We people_ are dwarves, just like you and everyone else. We enjoy they things other dwarves enjoy, _thank you very much_. I am just as capable as the next dwarf to appreciate fine metal work when I see it, for you information. And now, if you don't mind, I think your brother is missing you. He won't stop turning this way and he rather looks like a lost puppy, so you should probably go and see what's going on there.”

At that, Fili rolled his eyes, muttered something about his brother being an idiot, and went back to Kili. It was the weirdest conversation Ori had had so far on that trip.

And it was only beginning.

 

* * *

 

That evening, Kili came to sit next to Ori while they ate, and showed him a silver hair ring. It was a rather nice piece of work, really.

“I did it!” Kili almost screamed when the other complimented it. “Well. I did the design. Fili made it! He's great at working with silver. I wish I were that good!”

“It's... nicely realized. Your brother can be proud.”

“He is! Well! I should go now!”

Ori had no idea what that had been about, but he saw Fili facepalm as Kili ran back to him.

 

* * *

 

The next day, Fili came again to ride along Ori, much to his annoyance. Still, the young scholar knew he had been rather rude the day before, and he decided to be polite and helpful to make up for it. Even though he had rather hoped to get some quiet time to check his diary for mistakes. That would have to wait.

“Good day, my prince. How may I help you today?”

“Well, you know, I was thinking about what you told me yesterday. About people who read being almost like normal dwarves and all.”

“How kind of you to think of us so nicely. I am sure your hypothetical lover must be thrilled to know you are so magnanimous toward people like her. Or him. Which is it, by the way?”

“What? Oh. Uh. It's... a boy. But I usually like girls, I think it is worth noting. Not that there's anything wrong with liking boys, and, I mean, it's probably fairly cool. But I like people who have breasts. Though it... seems this time I have fallen for a boy. For some reason.”

“And how lucky he is,” Ori assured him. “Very well then, what do you want to know then?”

“Well, what you told me yesterday, it works for every dwarf ever. Isn't there anything more specific you could tell me? I mean, you for example, how should one seduce _you_?”

And that, Ori had to admit, was a good question. He had never given it any thought. There had never been anyone he could have wanted to be seduced by. He had always been too busy for things like that. You didn't learn Sindarin by daydreaming about romance, after all. Though apparently, you did learn it by reading plenty of the epic and tragic love stories of the elves. They died a lot. Ori wasn't sure it was something he would want from a lover. On the other hand, many of these elves were supposed to have a fine voice, and that was something he could truly enjoy too.

“I s'ppose I'd rather like someone who could sing. You know, ballads, old songs of the past, or... Oh, the one about Erebor that we sang at Mr Baggins', now that's a nice one. Well, maybe not very romantic I suppose, but I think a good singer would seduce anyone with that one, don't you agree?”

“ _Singing_? Are you _serious_?”

Fili looked mortified, as if liking people who sang was some sort of major crime in his world.

“It is a fine art, and before you say anything, it's a very dwarvish thing to do, so there's no need to complain about my bookishness. You've got yourself a fine enough voice, when you want, so I think you should try that, when you see your beloved again.”

The prince nodded gloomily, the very picture of horror and despair. He then thanked Ori, and went back to his brother, who was once again watching them anxiously.

 

* * *

 

That evening, after they had eaten, Fili suggested they sang a few songs, “while the mood is still gay enough for it” he explained, and the others readily agreed. It was a nice enough night, everyone participated, even their little hobbit who gave them one of the song of his people. Fili too sang once or twice, and while he wasn't as good at it as Bofur for example, it wasn't entirely bad either. Ori even ended up singing with him at one point. And, all in all, it was all nice and fun.

Until Fili convinced Kili to sing.

The younger prince wasn't a very skilled singer, that much Ori already knew, but that night he seemed to be worse than ever. For some reason he had decided to try his luck with the old Lonely Mountain ballad, the one Ori had mentioned earlier that day. It was a terrible choice, really. He didn't have the voice for it, even on a good day. But that night, his voice would suddenly rise high at random times, or he would fumble on the words and forget half of them. Worse yet, he seemed only too aware of the poor performance he was pulling, but he bravely went on, as earnest in this as he was in everything.

When he had finished, there was a long silence, as no one dared to make any comments. There was no point in lying and telling him he was any good, but telling him just how dreadful he had been would have been cruel.

“Your voice can really cover an amazing range,” said Ori, for the sake of being nice. “I don't think I've ever heard that song performed quite like that, it was really unique.”

The poor dwarf looked at him with tears in his eyes then, though whether from humiliation or gratitude, Ori was not quite sure.

 

* * *

 

It was no surprise when, the next morning, Fili came to see him again. It was becoming a habit, apparently. One Ori would have gladly done without, but a habit nonetheless.

“Fine singing we had yesterday, wasn't it?” the prince said with forced enthusiasm. “Long time since I had that much fun.”

“It was rather nice,” Ori admitted. “Though I do not know why your brother tried to sing at all. He's a rather good musician, as far as I remember, he should have stuck with that.”

“Yes, he's dreadful at that, isn't he? Poor boy has a singing voice that would make a goblin cringe.”

“But he's very earnest when he does it!” Ori quickly offered, not wanting to seem mean. “He was awful, but at least he put all his heart into it, and that's something. I suppose he must have envied you. You weren't too bad.”

“Of course. The heir of Durin has to be gifted in all the arts, and that involve singing. Hey, tell me...”

“You want more advice, is that it?”

“Yeah. I mean, I can make gorgeous things with metal. You saw that pearl I helped Kili make. And I can sing like a Valar, we all agree on that. But what if it's not enough?”

_If it's not enough then give up, and leave both that boy and me alone_ , Ori thought. But that was not how you spoke to a prince of the line of Durin, and anyway Ori was starting to have serious doubts about this whole business. But that theory was one he needed to put to the test.

“I don't know why you care so much, when your loved one is so far away,” the young scholar sighed dramatically. “But here is an idea. _My people_ as you call us like our craft just as much as other dwarves do, and engaging in it with us is certainly a good way to become close to us.”

“You mean... I should _read books_?”

“Nothing quite so dreadful, worry not. But you could ask him about the books he is reading, that would show your interest. Or should your loved one be of an artistic inclination, you could offer yourself as a muse.”

“I could what if what?”

“That means if they like to draw, you ask them to draw you,” Ori clarified, worried for the future of his people if Fili was to rule them one day. “It's as good an occasion for conversation as you could ever get.”

And it would make things clear for Ori. If Fili tried to suggest to pose for him, then he'd know what was going on.

 

* * *

 

Just as he had expected, the prince came to see him that night, dragging his brother with him. But to Ori's surprise, it was Kili's portrait that was requested of him. Apparently, Fili hadn't understood the whole idea very well. What a surprise.

Still, it was a great occasion to sketch the younger prince, something Ori had been meaning to do for a while. He liked Kili's face. It was weird and unusual, nothing like the boring handsomeness of his brother. _Anyone_ could capture the essence of a pretty face, but drawing someone plain, while still respecting their features, was a true challenge. The thought of it had often made the scholar study the dark haired prince's face, and he was glad to be given a chance to do so more openly.

Of course, it would have been much nicer without Fili sitting next to him, commenting about every single line he would make on paper. But that could not be helped of course, since clearly, he had some sort of a crush on Ori.

“Wow, you're sure his nose shouldn't be bigger? You're making him look like a baby elf!”

A crush that, apparently, required the prince to be terribly rude and to criticize every single thing he ever did. Ori had always been _ever_ so lucky.

But at least, Kili was nice and very well behaved. He was, in fact, the perfect model, and did not move an inch the whole time Ori worked on his portrait. He barely talked too, which was a little strange, considering the prince usually tended to blabber too much rather than too little, but some people were made rather nervous by the idea of posing of course. Still, it all went fairly well, and when he was done, Ori felt it was one of the best drawings of his life. That Kili agreed was a rather nice bonus, all things considered.

“You are a fantastic artist,” the young prince whispered, watching his portrait in awe. “And you did it so quick too! Now that's what I call talent.”

“Well, it's always easier to work with an interesting model of course,” Ori answered, trying to hide his pride. “You did a good job.”

“You think I'm interesting?”

“Of course. You've got such a weird face, it's simply fascinating. I had never drawn someone like you before, and I really loved doing it. If you ever have time to pose for me again, it would make me very happy, it really would.”

Kili went pale, and looked like a puppy that had just been kicked.

“ _You think my face is weird_?” he repeated, utterly mortified.

“Well, yes. Oh, I don't mean that in a bad way!” Ori quickly explained. “It's so rare to see people who are that plain without just being boring, it's really nice! You barely even look like a dwarf on some angle, I think it's lovely and I really like that!”

The explanation did not seem to really improve the young prince's mood as much as Ori had hoped, but at least he no longer looked like he was about to cry, which was better than nothing.

It was only later, as he was trying to sleep, that the young scholar realized how it might have sounded bad, saying Kili was plain and strange. He would have to tell him that, as far as he was concerned, an unusual face was a lot more pleasing to the eye than a pretty one, and that it had really been meant as a compliment.

* * *

 

Fili was in a rather foul mood when he came to see Ori the following day, but then again, so was the younger dwarf. It had started raining during the night, and it looked like it wasn't going to stop any time soon. The prince's unwanted company did nothing to lift his spirits, but he once again forced a smile.

“Good day, Fili. I should thank you for yesterday, it made for a very nice evening.”

“Glad you had fun,” the older dwarf dryly answered. “I hope you realize that you terribly upset Kili. Why did you have to call him plain and weird? I thought you were supposed to be all... shy and nice!”

“But that was meant to be nice! He has a face that I enjoy watching, it's not my fault! Should I have told him he had a face as boring as yours? _My people_ , we have different tastes from... from your people. Isn't that the whole reason you keep talking to me anyway?”

Fili glared at him, and for a few seconds, Ori hoped he had angered him enough that he would finally leave him alone. But his crush must have been stronger than the scholar had expected, for the prince stayed there, looking very thoughtful.

“I suppose people as weird have you must have very strange tastes,” Fili said after a moment. “It must come from all that reading and learning stuff that only other people like you care about. Very well, then. Let's go back to our little idea that I have a boy waiting for me back home...”

“A dwarf whose tastes you despise and who has talents you see no value in. He must be really charmed to have a lover such as yourself. Though I see less and less why you would try to court someone like that,” Ori admitted, feeling extremely curious.

“I am not sure at all,” the prince admitted, rolling his eyes with an exasperated sigh. “Doesn't make any sense, and there are dozens of much more interesting dwarves around. But the heart doesn't follow reason or logic, it just... goes for what it wants, even if it's entirely stupid. So we just have to go with it, eh?”

Ori was extremely proud of his self-control in that moment. He wanted very much to strangle the prince who seemed to think that insulting him was the best way to win his affections. He had never felt so angry in his life, and yet he managed a polite smile.

He knew just how to take his revenge.

“I suppose love is a rather strange and foolish force, my prince. No one would blame you should you ever want to give up on making another care for you.”

“Trust me, I _wish_ I could. But I can't. So, you know, let's get to proper business. I've shown I could make pretty things, that I was a... singer with a rather unique talent, and I took an interest in whatever boring passion he has. Now that I've lead all sorts of hints, what's the best way to clearly state my intentions? Should I be frank, or do it in a shy and awkward manner to make it seem like I'm almost one of you guys?”

Ori couldn't contain a grin. He had his revenge.

“I think, if you really want to impress a scholar, you'll have to say whatever you want to say in Sindarin. It is the language of my people, as you may know. Now, I am aware that you probably don't speak a word of it, right? Then fear not, I will teach you...”

 

* * *

 

Hearing Fili struggle with the pronunciation of Sindarin had radically improved Ori's mood. The fact that he had managed to convince the prince that “ _Annog nin daf pladan tele ci_?” meant “Will you be my lover?”, when its closest translation was something more like “Can I touch you butt?” was just a delightful little bonus. It had been hard to keep a straight face as he made him repeat it until he said it right, really.

Speaking Elvish had made him long for the company of _his people_ , as the prince kept calling scholars. That was why, after dinner, Ori went to sit with Balin and Bilbo, the only ones beside him who seemed to even know how to use a book. They started a fascinating conversation about maps, and the difference in how elves and dwarves handled them. It was a great way to pass time, and they could have argued playfully until dawn. They were only interrupted when Kili approached them, and cleared his throat to get their attention.

As soon as Ori turned his head toward the young prince, he knew something was wrong. Kili, who was always smiling as his the mere idea of unhappiness could not enter his little elfish head, who feared nothing and no one, Kili who was bold and brave and reckless and everything Ori wasn't, _that Kili_ looked like a terrified puppy. It wasn't right. It wasn't the way things were supposed to be. Kili wasn't meant to have such a red face, or to fidget with the bottom of his tunic.

“D'you want something, lad?” Balin asked, looking as worried as Ori.

Kili nodded, looking positively terrified. He then turned to face Ori, and took an inspiration.

“ _Annog nin daf pladan tele ci_?” he almost screamed, redder than ever.

There were a few seconds of silence after that. Then, next to Ori, Bilbo started fighting a giggle, while Balin was biting his lips to keep quiet. They had a fair chance to contain their hilarity, but ruined it by exchanging a look that made the two of them explode. Their conjoined laughter reverberated everywhere, drawing the attention of the rest of the company to them. Thorin, sitting a few feet from from them, frowned as he looked at his younger nephew.

“Kili, I thought your mother had raised you better than that!” he growled. “I demand that you apologize this instant!”

The young prince turned to his uncle in confusion, as he did not know what he had done wrong. There was look of horror on his face when Balin, still laughing, managed to explain to him what he had just said, and he looked again at Ori with tears in his eyes.

“I am s-s-sorry,” he stuttered with a quick bow to the scholar. “T-that was not m-m-my intentions. I'll l-leave you al-l-lone now.”

And with that, he ran back to his brother. Ori suddenly felt a good deal less proud of his little joke, and a lot more confused about the situation.

 

* * *

 

As everyone started preparing for sleep, Ori took a deep breath and walked toward Kili and Fili. He did not like misunderstandings, and there had already been too many. It was time to made things clear.

“What do you want now?” Fili snapped when he noticed him. “Haven't you done enough?”

“I am very sorry for what happened tonight. It was not my intention to bring shame on Kili.”

“Then what _were_ you trying to do exactly, if you had no intention to humiliate anyone?”

“I never said I wasn't trying to humiliate anyone,” Ori protested. “I wanted to make fun of you, because you've insulted me in every possible way, all the while apparently trying to seduce me. It was annoying, and I wanted to do something that would make you stop.”

Kili gasped.

“You thought _Fili_ was trying to court you? But he likes _girls_!”

“Yes, I do realize now that he tried to make that clear,” Ori admitted. “And there are no words to say how glad I am that he has no interest in me. Do not take offence, Fili, but I can't stand you, you are a terrible conversationalist, and I am starting to believe you cannot say a word to anyone without somehow offending them, which means you will probably make a terrible king when the time comes for it.”

“ _How could I not take offence of this?”_

“Well, for one thing, it is the truth. I mean, I do not know why you decided to play some sort of prank on me, or how you managed to make your brother do all the dirty work for you, but...”

“Wait,” Fili interrupted. “You thought this was a prank?”

Ori shrugged. He had been sure this was all some sort of elaborate joke, but now that Fili was giving him that astonished look, he was having some doubts.

The oldest prince let out a frustrated sigh.

“You. You two. Are the most stupidest dwarves I know,” Fili whined. “I mean it. And I've had enough. Ori, this was not a joke, my brother is stupidly in love with you, but he's a shy imbecile who did not know how to talk to you, so he forced me to do it for him and to find out how to court you. But he really wants to kiss you and talk to you about feelings and that sort of boring stuff.”

Ori opened his eyes wide, and stared at Kili. The younger prince was once again blushing, and he looked torn between murdering his brother and running away.

“Don't move an inch the two of you,” Fili ordered. “I'm not done yet. Kili, you are blind, Ori keeps staring at you, he loves the way you look and I'm fairly sure _he_ wants to touch your butt, because he won't take his eyes from it. So, there, now everything is clear, I'll leave the two of you to... settle things however you want. Just never involve me in your problems. Ever. Again.”

When he was gone, Kili and Ori exchanged a look.

“Do you really want to kiss me?” the scholar asked.

“M-maybe? Do you really want to... touch my bottom?”

“Kiss me, and you'll find out soon enough.

And that was all the encouragement Kili needed, really.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write shameless fluff and my shipping-wife gave ma this brilliant idea of Fili helping Kili seduce Ori but being really awful at it, and here we are.  
> Now let's go back to writing angst :D
> 
> And my Sindarin is sadly quite awful, so I fond that little sentence I used here: http://tseecka.tumblr.com/post/38027922822/samandriel-dajo42-can-i-touch-your-butt-in


End file.
